Tazer Fun

[TheFishingNut]

Dear Friends, the mind is a wonderful thing; curiosity is not a
wonderful thing. To much of one and not enough of the other in the
wrong hands can be lethal in some cases.


My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I
have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story
chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here
goes...............

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn (Name of the establishment changed to protect the innocent)that tickled
my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I
bought something really cool for for my wife. The occasion was our anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet
girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer
gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this
product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low
amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed
to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the
prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it
will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in
action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular
model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I
do love fire for effect. I learned that, if I pushed the button, however,
and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so
looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of
electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for
your information, but I have yet to explain to the wife what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat on my couch, my dog, Mini, looking on intently (trusting
little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Mini) and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Mini for a fraction of a
second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog, after all.
But, if I was going to give this thing to the wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to
me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, and BBT hat on my head, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this
little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin'
way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
followed. I'm sitting there alone, Mini looking on with her head
cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, buddy," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell
of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always
twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the
fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura
ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then
body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall
waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body
in the oddest position. Mini was standing over me making funny
sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking
to herself, "Do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel
compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is
no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not
going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by
a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't
dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My hat
was on the mantel of the fireplace. How did that get get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and
handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get
'em back.

[nuts4steel]

OM MY GOD!!!!! I'm having problem typing because my key board is covered in tears :D funnyest story I've ever read !!!! thanks for the laugh. maybee you can post a picture of your nuts on a telephone pole in your neighborhood "have you seen these guys" !!! reward !!, I just hope for my sake they don't show up on my milk carton :eek: that would'nt be pretty !!! good luck and thanks

[uglystick]

oooooch!!!!!!!!

[moduckdoc]

Thank you for sharing. ROTFLMAO X 1,000 :D :D :D

You are cordially invited to join us at www.conservationcafe.com. You will fit right in.

[BrianF]

Really great story, and can I borrow the "toy" for salmon season?? I wonder how it would work with the prongs in water and a three secound burst? It could also be useful for freeing up my favorite fishing holes!

:eek:

[Steve@BBT]

Stu,

Sorry I was just sitting down to dinner when you called, but I'm glad I "read" this first rather than possibly hearing it over the phone. (I'm positive the book is better!)

http://bbt.steelcity.net/lmfao.gif

Can't wait to talk in a few days, hope you find the boys... :D

Steve

[Steeldrifter]

That is just wrong on so many levels! :eek: :D :D

[haveb8]

My god man, that is the funniest thing Ive ever heard! This is gonna be great
water cooler talk! The man with the missing nutz...hahaha

[Riverman]

Hey Stu, Your friends will show back up, but it will take a while. When I was a little boy decided to see what would happen if I pee'd on a electric fence. I dont think I need to say electricity and water dont mix!!!!! Riverman

[riverboy]

That is just too funny!!! Thanks the day Im having I needed a good laugh!!!

[Missouri]

A co-worker just came in my office and asked what was wrong with me. I think she thought I was haveing some kind of a "fit". Told her there was nothing wrong with me but you should read this story. Great story. I'd go with the reward idea if I was you because anyone who has big enough "guys" to hit themselfs with a tazer deserves to have them back. Again great story.

later

Mo.

[MoFlyFisher]

Funny story... :D As for the boys, I don't think they're coming home.

[TheFishingNut]

I will be officially changing my posting name to Squeaky in honor of my new falsetto vocal range.
Thank you...
Squeaky

[mondrella]

My wife just walked in here and asked why I was laughing so dam hard. I had her read it. Next thing I know she is out of the office running down the hall with tears marking her way.

I hope she made it to the bathroom in time! :D :D

[Herb@BBT]

Stu,

I am sitting here trying to write with tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. Oh my goodness..... How did you explain it to Em.... Steve told me about the post and I knew where it was going, but Oh Man.....

Herb

[Redleg]

Pssssst, for the time being, I'll assume you don't live in Michigan. You can't possess them here without a badge. I'd hate to see your next post be about your wife leaving you after you take the time and effort to bail her out. ;) Now if you really want to have a good time, get a card game going one night. After the first case of beer is gone, set the thing on the table and step out of the room. You can always peek around the corner and watch. Might have them sign a medical waiver before you start the game though. :cool:

[chainolaker]

Thanks for the great story. I guess I don't feel so bad touching our electronic fly swatter to see if it was working or not !! ( by the way...you don't wanna touch one of those things either ) BUT... I still have my boys attached ! :)

[midwestfisherman]

OMG!!! That was one of the funniest stories I have ever heard!! BTW, I don't think they're coming back either....LOL :eek: :D :D :eek:

[Northern_Outdoorsman]

Man as soon as I read "I'll give myself a quick one second burst" I KNEW you were in trouble :eek:

There was one at a party I went to, and lets just say all the guys just HAD to prove how tough they were...I never saw so many sissy'd pissing their pants in my entire life! :D

Thanks for a good laugh though, and if you have any extra cash I have one of them rubber stun guns you might wanna get for your sweetie...No electric current and if you want I can shoot it at ya before ya buy it to make sure it's effective... :cool:

[TheFishingNut]

Pssssst, for the time being, I'll assume you don't live in Michigan. You can't possess them here without a badge. I'd hate to see your next post be about your wife leaving you after you take the time and effort to bail her out. ;) Now if you really want to have a good time, get a card game going one night. After the first case of beer is gone, set the thing on the table and step out of the room. You can always peek around the corner and watch. Might have them sign a medical waiver before you start the game though. :cool:

Nope I don't live in Michigan...but it could be were my boys ran off to...the got all energized and made the a few weeks earlier than I am to check out the run for me.
Maybe Steve or Herb will find them on the rive this week?
;)

[TheFishingNut]

Stu,

I am sitting here trying to write with tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. Oh my goodness..... How did you explain it to Em.... Steve told me about the post and I knew where it was going, but Oh Man.....

Herb


Well I only cracked two legs on the coffee table when I evidently landed on it during "The Spasm" as I have taken to calling it, the spot of blood was not that big, besides we have carpet cleaner handy. :D I have no hair to speak of so no hair sticking up. She did ask me about the scorch marks in my drawers where evidently 100,000 volts exited my *** and set the hairs on fire. I told her I tried to light a fart...that didn't seem quite as stupid as "Well you see I got this tazer and tried to test it".

[steely171]

I'm sorry but that is some varry funny #!?##@

[flannelfish]

One second burst? With muscle contractions? I'll bet Mini's strange sound was her laughing. I'll bet the boys come home after gettin over the SHOCK of being abused. Great tale,Stu. Steve should have a product review page and yours could be the first post. LMAO. Dave

[Redleg]

Yeah, keep those product test(e)'s coming. :eek: :D

[flyrod4steelhead]

rotflmao :D :D Thanks for the good laugh. Hang in their, the boys always come home sooner or later.

lmao :D

[waterwolf]

WOW!!!!

I'm having trouble reading this thread with all the tears of laughter blurring my vision! Absolutely ROTFLMAO! :D :D :D

Dave
aka Waterwolf

[thousandcasts]

Dude...that is some of the funniest stuff I've ever read. Hell yeah, I'm still LMAO!!!! :D

Have you considered posting a picture of "the boys" on a milk carton? ;)

[alleighb]

That was soooooooo funny. I hope you dont mind I had to send that to everybody i new... lol.........thanks for the laugh :D

[Steve@BBT]

Bump! Just read it again and it didn't loose much the 12th time around! :D

[MoFlyFisher]

CNN this morning had a story on a police chief that allowed his patrolmen to shock him with a 2 second burst from their issue tazers to show the effect to the public. It knocked the shiite out of him. Gave all new meaning to the story. And you're right, it is still funny. :D

[Redleg]

Passed it around work and posted it a couple places last time around... everybody loved it. Not sure you could make something like that up. ;)

[Steve@BBT]

Another one that's just for fun!

[goosedowner]

Thanks for bumping Steve.

I dont know how I missed that last year,but...LMFAO!!! :D

[BOB@BBT]

It's time for Stu to test out some mace. :D

[TheFishingNut]

It's time for Stu to test out some mace. :D
Been there done that...didn't write up the story yet...but I will if you ask nice!

[Gaffle]

I told her I tried to light a fart...that didn't seem quite as stupid as "Well you see I got this tazer and tried to test it".


Holy crap thats awesome. I have never heard of someone actually using that as an excuse. Usually you make up something to HIDE the fart lighting incident. Guess that shows the severity of the self inflicting tazer action.

[Steve@BBT]

...bump to the top again!! :D

[SteveB]

I've been hit with one in training and I'll never do it again. By the way...It's illegal to possess that. You may want to get rid of it.

[TheFishingNut]

I've been hit with one in training and I'll never do it again. By the way...It's illegal to possess that. You may want to get rid of it.


Maybe in Michigan it's illegal...not in Pennsylvania where I am from. And since I broke it when I loged one of the tines in my leg it's a moot point.

[TheFishingNut]

A bump for fun!

[JBH]

Good times.... :D

[TheFishingNut]

Ahhh...it's still good reading...even years later!

[bdaddy]

I'm glad someone got my misguided attempt at humor, even if it was the author!

[Chase Creek]

Ya know, years ago, I used to think of fly fishermen as noble,distinguished chaps who wore tweedy looking jackets with suede patches on the elbows, sitting in a big leather chair with an Irish Setter at their feet. OH, and puffing on a pipe. Oh well.:D :D

[Jimbo]

Dear Friends, the mind is a wonderful thing; curiosity is not a
wonderful thing. To much of one and not enough of the other in the
wrong hands can be lethal in some cases.


My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I
have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story
chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here
goes...............

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn (Name of the establishment changed to protect the innocent)that tickled
my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I
bought something really cool for for my wife. The occasion was our anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet
girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer
gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this
product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low
amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed
to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the
prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it
will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in
action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular
model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I
do love fire for effect. I learned that, if I pushed the button, however,
and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so
looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of
electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for
your information, but I have yet to explain to the wife what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat on my couch, my dog, Mini, looking on intently (trusting
little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Mini) and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Mini for a fraction of a
second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog, after all.
But, if I was going to give this thing to the wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to
me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, and BBT hat on my head, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this
little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin'
way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
followed. I'm sitting there alone, Mini looking on with her head
cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, buddy," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell
of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always
twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the
fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura
ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then
body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall
waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body
in the oddest position. Mini was standing over me making funny
sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking
to herself, "Do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel
compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is
no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not
going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by
a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't
dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My hat
was on the mantel of the fireplace. How did that get get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and
handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get
'em back.

Floated with John on Monday and we talked about this story. We decided it needs to be on top for everyone's enjoyment.

[dgawlak]

Floated with John on Monday and we talked about this story. ....


How was your trip - :confused: ? Any porn to share????

[Jimbo]

How was your trip - :confused: ? Any porn to share????

John has the pics. Picked up 2 browns, one was 17"ish, went 1-2 on steel if you count the 9" juvenile rainbow/steelhead that I landed. John bagged that purple hen in his guide report. Let the guy have one cast and he hooks a fish. He must be a guide or something.;)

[BigStarFisherman]

That is about the funniest story I have read in ages. I can pictures the dog sitiing there thinking " what does this guy think he's doing" LMAO :eek: Thanks for putting a big ole smile on my face this morning!!!

[plaid shrew]

I have always wondered what it would be liked to be tazed. Now I know, dont do it to yourself, have a friend pull the trigger.

[Troutbum64]

I remember hearing this before, and I laugh my butt off then as I am now.
can't sit around with to much time on your hands, otherwise things like this happen

[PM bound]

Love the way you worded your story, Like Steve said I KNOW the book was better !!!! I'm sure it hurt, But I was laughing SO HARD reading that, That I can ASSURE you it was worth it !!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for sharing !!!!! Matt

[spinnerguy]

I remember when this was first posted, lol. Just as funny today as it was back then! Definately deserves to be reposted and read by all that missed it before!

[Neeso1aj]

Thought about this again when telling doze to piss himself. A great read for the new and old!

[TheFishingNut]

Ohhh....sure...bring it to the top...and now I am sitting here twitching...remembering...well...ok...the memory is a little fuzzy...and so are my boys...finally found 'em a few days later!

[Neeso1aj]

It's always nice to laugh at another's expense, and for that I thank you! Would you be willing to do it again on video for a beer?

[dgawlak]

It's always nice to laugh at another's expense, and for that I thank you! Would you be willing to do it again on video for a beer?

There are quite a few videos on you tube -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8GsgWQWj8o

[TheFishingNut]

There are quite a few videos on you tube -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8GsgWQWj8o

HEY! No cutting out my free beer action! LOL